Things That Exist But Shouldn't - Part 16

16) Black Friday

Perhaps I'm a few days late for this rant, but seeing as today is Cyber Monday (the internet's extension of Black Friday), I think I'm still within an appropriate time period to post.

Black Friday is insane. I decided to do a little research (via Google) as to where this ridiculous tradition started. Corporations and store owners chose to take advantage of the fact that most people have a 4-day weekend off from work...and need an excuse to get out of the house. And, with the "stress" of Thanksgiving now behind them, they are ready to prepare -- aka shop -- for Christmas.

Some stores will stop at nothing to get you hyped up for their deals. 

Example A: I received this promo in my inbox last night from a popular restaurant chain.

It's like Christmas in July...but in December!

 

Last time I checked, Christmas in December is Christmas. It's pretty ridiculous to attempt to use a holiday against itself to double the effect. But it doesn't just sop there.

Each year, stores have opened earlier and earlier, until 2012 when Walmart (of course) and its competitors decided to open on Thanksgiving Day....because no one would rather leave a warm house than line up in the cold (while your digestive enzymes wage war on your recent meal). In response, many people have been organizing protests aggressively posting on Facebook that we should boycott these stores.

It's not working. Why not?

If you're one of those people crazy enough to wait outside at 3 AM, what's a few more hours in the frigid night air? 
If you're willing to freeze your toes off -- instead of sleeping your meal off -- to get that plasma TV, you don't want to take the risk that someone will get to the store for the 8 PM opening the night before and snatch it up (and thus, your self-induced frostbite would be in vain).

I came across this (hopefully true) compilation of Black Friday horror stories, courtesy of Reddit.

Defecating in a dryer?!
Starbucks spontaneous entrepreneur?! (quite brilliant, actually...I'm a little bummed I didn't think to do that myself)
Trampling someone to DEATH?!

There is no way you can convince me that ANY sale would be worth dealing with crowds like these.

There is a disgusting website that keeps count of all the deaths and injuries that have been linked to rabid Black Friday shoppers. As absurd as it sounds, let's try to prevent The Onion from publishing an article that may turn out to be not so far-fetched.