The Internet Breeds Experts

I recently read an article (in the NY Times, no less) in which a couple was quoted saying that they consider themselves to be foodies because they “watch the Food Network and Instagram their food.” 

Here’s the article, if you don’t believe me.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/21/fashion/weddings/the-food-outshines-the-bride.html?pagewanted=1&ref=weddings

If that makes you a foodie, then after reading a CNN article, I should have White House-level security clearance to updates in Syria. And, since I’ve retweeted updates about the Royal Baby, I deserve to be His Royal Babysitter.

Brag as much as you want to your friends about your cuisine capabilities, but when your name is being printed in a nationally syndicated news outlet, perhaps do your best to sound a little more educated about your qualifications.

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Pick Up Lines

In my experience, pick up lines are a nebulous art form. The kind of art that if you squint really, really hard and block out everything else, it just might work for you. However, for the most part, I have been subject to the most heinous approaches from guys whose egos make them deaf to their own voices. I can now understand why Van Gogh cut off an ear.

Here are some of the worst I've heard: 

"This is a picture of my child. Isn't he adorable?"
--Aww, so cute!
"Yea, I know. I'm just trying to get his mother killed so I can get custody."
--WHAT THE FUCK?!
"Just kidding"

“It’s my friend’s 21^st birthday and he’s blacked out. Would you give him a lap dance?”

(This literally happened to me. Needless to say, I was not quite swept off my feet, and so I politely declined the offer. I even went one step further to offer my EMT expertise to provide his friend with medical attention.)

The guy was not expecting such a response, and stuttered out the only possible reason why I would turn such a casanova down: “Are you gay?”

That is precisely where the conversation ended.

“I work for NASA, and I'm going to the moon next week. I gotta stock up on porn because, you know, it's a long ride."

“What are you drinking?”
--It’s called beer.

Guy who still thinks the conversation is going somewhere: “You know, I hear beer isn’t that good for you.” 
--Really? I heard that ALL ALCOHOL isn’t that good for you

And the worst one of all, which will never be funny, and will NEVER EVER be okay to use on a human being:

“Are you 9/11? Because you’re impossible to forget”

Things That Exist But Shouldn't - Part 1

I decided that this will be the first in a series of thematic posts that will be published every Monday. I figure Monday definitely qualifies as something that exists but shouldn't, so these posts are quite apropos. 

1) Uncomfortable shoes that are also ugly

We suffer for fashion. I am the first one to admit to it. It’s a fact of life that strapless bras, thongs, and stilettos are not manufactured to provide the wearer with any degree of comfort. However, they automatically increase the sex factor of whatever you’re wearing, thus making it worth the daylong wedgie or worry that you’re at risk for a Janet Jackson Superbowl 2004 scandal.

The thing that makes NO sense, however, is the existence of uncomfortable fashion items that are also hideous. I’m going to focus my discussion on shoes. I know that Crocs help air your feet out and Dansko clogs offer great for people on their feet all day (or who work on a farm milking cows). I know the only nurse you will ever meet in heels is probably still waiting for the ink to dry on her RN certification. I put up with the occasional frumpy strap or tacky bow on a pair of Aerosoles wedges only because it feels like my feet are being held up by the palms of angels. 

But what happens when unfashionable meets unbearably painful? What company could possibly manufacture items that not only decrease the wearer’s ability to get laid but also their will to live for the rest of the day while their feet slowly wage war on their circulatory system?! Suffering unnecessarily in ugly shoes does not make you a fashionable martyr. You’re just masochist. 


P.S. Subscribe to my blog! And then explain to me how to do it so that I can teach my mom.

Roommates

I am going to say something, and it’s going to shock you, and then you are going to think about it and realize how true it is and wonder why this phenomenon still exists.

Roommates.

We, as highly intelligent beings, are not designed to live with other people...which brings us to our first activity:

Quiz: How to Be a Good Roommate

1. Oh no! You're doing your hair in the bathroom and a bobby pin accidentally falls into the toilet. Do you:

a) Figure out a way to remove it

b) Do nothing but at least tell your other roommates it's your fault

c) See something, say nothing

d) Allow it to sit there slowly oxidizing, impossible to flush away

2. It's the dishwasher fairy's day off, and all of the wet dishes and cups remain in the dishwasher. Do you:

a) Remove them, dry them, put them away

b) Remove everything from the dishwasher and stack it all on the drying mat so it will air dry

c) Open the dishwasher, remove only the items you need, and leave the rest there 

d) Remove all of the wet cups and put them away by stacking them, thus creating a perfect environment for mold to grow in

3. The trash is overflowing, and you have to throw something out! Do you:

a) Take both your new garbage and the overflowing trash to the trash chute down the hall

b) Ignore the overflowing trash and throw your new garbage out in the trash chute

c) Start a new trash bag alongside the overflowing one to keep it company

d) Find a crevice of the trash bin that is yet to be overflowed and somehow jam your trash in there too

4. We're out of soap! Do you:

a) Buy new soap

b) Put a bottle of Purell in the bathroom as a substitute

c) Mention to your roommates that they need to buy soap

d) Fill the soap bottle up with 95% water so it looks full but you're basically washing your hands with water and water

5. In your baking frenzy, you remove a hot pan of brownies from the oven and place it on the plastic tablecloth, which subsequently melts and disintegrates. Do you:

a) Apologize and immediately purchase a new one to replace the one you ruined

b) Apologize, promise to buy a new one, and then never do

c) Exclaim at the wonders of science that such an unforeseen thing could occur

d) Place a plate of brownies over the disintegrated area to distract from the damage

If you answered b, c, or d to any of the above questions, then you do not deserve to cohabit places. Please be respectful and find yourself an apartment that you can slowly, singlehandedly destroy.

Disclaimer: I did not say that any of these situations are based in truth. Also, I happen to have a very lovely, respectful roommate right now. I may be coming around to this whole cohabitation thing after all.

Rules of Life I Learned From My Grandma

-Never go anywhere without a sweater. This rule is especially important in the middle of the summer when you may unknowingly enter an arctic-like dwelling, such as the movie theater, supermarket, restaurant or knitting store.

-Never accept the first seat they lead you to at a restaurant. It’s a trick. They intentionally offer you the worst seat available – next to a table with a screaming baby, near the kitchen, or, worst of all, directly under an air conditioning vent – to test your classiness. It is important to always ask for another seat. A booth is always the better option, when possible.

-Always ask for fresh coffee. At diners and restaurants, they will only serve you the murkiest coffee left over from yesterday’s brew, unless you specifically ask them to brew a fresh cup. That is the only way to ensure good, strong coffee.

-Never show up anywhere empty handed. This is just good etiquette because no one will truly ever welcome you into their home unless you come bearing gifts. These gifts should consist of flea market finds, pocket calendars that the bank gives out for free, and AARP travel alarm clocks.

-It is unsafe to read a book unless every possible light source in the room is turned on. Reading in insufficient lighting is almost as dangerous as placing your glass on the edge of a table, forgetting to use a coupon, or going somewhere without a sweater.


Posted in loving memory of my Grandma Dotty, who would have been 84 today.

Emails From Dad

I have to put in a disclaimer that I really, truly get excited when I open my inbox and see that I have a new email from my dad. It is possible that one of the reasons I feel this way is that the subject of the email is always in CAPITAL LETTERS. We are genetically programmed as human beings to be excited by capital letters because it usually means good news is coming your way.

Example:

Buy one pair of shoes, Get one pair of shoes FREE

In addition to the subject, the entire body of the email is also in capital letters. He insists this is because as he reaches 60, his eyes have a far easier time reading the larger letters on the screen. Secretly, I think it’s because he once turned on Caps Lock on his keyboard and has yet to discover how to disengage it. He also is a fan of Microsoft Paint.

A few gems from my collection of emails:

Motivational pre-MCAT email

In anticipation of the upcoming Nemo blizzard

He was sitting next to me, and he sneezed. Shortly after, I received this email.

Maiden Voyage

I know I’m not a famous person like Tina Fey, nor have I even ever seen a famous person. But I have this ongoing commentary in my head as things happen to me that I think is quite funny. I’m always disappointed that no one else can hear them and laugh with me. So, I decided to start writing them down, and thus this blog is basically a compilation of my best thoughts. My only request of you as a reader is if you don’t like them, send the link to other people until you can find someone who can convince you that it’s actually funny.