Things That Exist But Shouldn't - Part 9

9) Spoilers

To clarify, this does not refer to automobile spoilers, although they also should not exist for this reason:

Minivans should not have spoilers. End of story.

I am not ashamed to admit that I set up calendar reminders for season premieres of my favorite shows. The hardest period of time is that between the end of summer and the start of fall television. Miraculously, I made it through this difficult period of time (congratulations are welcome) and excitedly programmed my DVR.

However, in the time since the airing of season finales in May, my personal schedule has readjusted; I no longer plan my day around being available to watch shows in live time. 

Of course, my internal clock will adjust and soon I would rather go without groceries than miss the 9:00 start time of the promised-to-be-dramatic new episode of Grey's Anatomy.

I am sure we can all relate to the disappointment we have experienced to learn preemptively (via the Internet) when the title character was revealed in the finale of HIMYM, or that Huck was framed as the one who shot President Fitzgerald Grant, or who the next American Idol is (JK, no one watches that anymore).

I know it's hard to resist posting/tweeting those "OMG!" moments so that everyone else can recognize that you are the most dedicated fan, but try to hold off on doing so for those of us who have lives that do not (yet) revolve around television. 

Ways to Aggravate Fellow New Yorkers

1) Search for your MetroCard while you're standing at the turnstile blocking other commuters

2) Stand idly on the left side of the escalator*

3) Change directions mid-stride and consequently bump into everyone on the sidewalk

4) Carry around a giant umbrella (not the one that collapses neatly) and proceed to accidentally poke people as you round corners

5) Wait until you are standing in front of the barista to contemplate your coffee order


*See a previous post for more information on this

It's All iRelative

Everyone wants the newest Apple product, regardless of their need for it.
Why? Because it's new, shiny, and such a conversation piece.

However, I think people spend more energy on how quickly they can get the newest item than actually researching what they are buying.

Prime example:

I was in a retail store doing some fairly unnecessary shopping.
As I waited in line to pay, the customer in front of me pulled out her iPhone.

Sales Associate: OMG!! Is that the new iPhone 5s?!
Customer: Actually, it's the 3G...I haven't upgraded in awhile.

What's the bottom line? The sales associate was excited about the look of a "new" iPhone simply because she didn't recognize it, without realizing that this novel device was actually totally outdated in the technology world.

I'm just as guilty as the next person of craving the latest thing, but I set my limits. 

I will admit: I called up the Apple Store to find out if I would be able to get the newest iPhone if I showed up at opening time (7 AM) this week. This alone would mean that I would miss my morning workout and wake up somewhere in the 5 o'clocks, but I did consider it.

Then the Genius at Apple (really, that's what they're called) let me know that unless I showed up BY 5 AM, I would never have a chance of glimpsing an iPhone, let alone buying one. 

At that point, I decided to quell my desire for the newest thing - until iPhones can be bought during normal business hours - by downloading iOS 7. I'm satisfied...for now.

Time Warner Cable = Time? Whatever, Customer

The other night, I lost 5 hours of my life to Time Warner Cable.

Allow me to write out my saga:

-TWC promised that the technician would come between 6-8 PM to fix my cable that was constantly cutting out
-By 9:00 PM, there is still no sign of said technician
-The technician calls at 9:15 PM to apologize that he's running 3.5 hours late, and will be there soon
-Technician arrives, "fixes" everything, then leaves by 9:45 PM
-Less than a minute after he walks out the door, the cable completely stops working
-I then spent over an hour on the phone with TWC's obnoxious automated menus to find a department that was a) still open and b) actually able to help me instead of offering me "Bundle Packages!"
-Finally, by 11 PM, my cable was working again...but I had lost 60% of my sanity.

It was rough. Between sitting purposelessly on the couch awaiting their arrival and then humming along to the background music every time I was put on hold with their tech support, I began to think that things couldn't get worse. To make myself feel better, I came up with a list.

Things that are worse than waiting for TWC to show up:
-getting stuck on an elevator
-missing your exit while driving on a highway...and the next one isn't for 15 miles
-arriving at work and then noticing a huge stain on your shirt
-trying to find your car in a parking lot after forgetting where you parked
-finding out the ending to a TV show before you watch it
-murder

It helped to put things in perspective.

Taxi Ride Reflections

The average New Yorker spends at least a few hours of their life sitting in the back of the taxi cab. While the rides have become mildly more entertaining with the addition of television screens, I still have spent a significant amount of time with my own thoughts. These reflections include:

1) What kind of driving test do taxi drivers take? 
I have a feeling it goes something like this:
-Do you have feet to push the pedal?
-Are you not blind?
-You pass!

2) Who came up with the lighting system to identify available taxis?
-Why does 2 lights = off duty, 1 light = available, but no lights = taken? I am always disappointed by the lights. 
-It should be lights = available, no lights = not available. I don't care whether the driver is off duty or busy; I can't get in the cab regardless.
-How do lights help to identify cabs DURING THE DAY?! (Hint: they don't)

3) How is it that taxi drivers are ALWAYS on the phone?! 
-To whom are they talking?!
-How do they never run out of things to say to their friends/family/fellow drivers?!

I fear that I may never learn these answers...

Things That Exist But Shouldn't - Part 8

8) PDA: Public Displays of Abhorrence

I used to be under the impression that everyone subscribed to the same general rules of acceptable behavior in public. I was wrong.

Over the past few days, I have seen things that have forever scarred my innocent eyes.
These include, but are not limited to:

-A couple changing their baby's dirty diaper on a bench in Union Square.

-A homeless man wearing unbuttoned pants...and no underwear.

-Someone walking barefoot on (any) NYC street.

-A man urinating on a wall outside of Penn Station.


Let's all try to have a little more decorum is our day-to-day habits. This includes covering body parts that are illegal to show in public, wearing shoes when traversing public walkways, and giving your child some degree of privacy, no matter his age.

Queue Me Up

Grocery shopping in NYC is a time-consuming experience. It constitutes of navigating through flocks of people in the store to find the items on your list, only to return to the entrance of the store to wait on a very, very long line to pay.

Naturally, everyone slowly grows inpatient while waiting, despite the employees' promise that "the end is near."

I have noticed that shoppers often have misaligned views of how fast the line is moving.

Example:
I am standing in line at Trader Joe's.
I take one step forward.
I feel a jabbing in my back as the person behind me pushes her shopping cart into my back.

It happens again. And again.

For every foot I move forward, she moves three. For some reason, she thinks that pushing her cart into my backside will accelerate the process. 

Moral:
It did not. It annoyed me...and slightly bruised my tailbone. 

Let's all try to be a little more patient. And limit the capacity to be annoying to just talking excessively loudly on your cell phone about your hatred for Citi Bikes.

Relationship Perks

We're going to ignore the obvious ones. They're boring. 
I'm here to disclose the less recognizable (but more rewarding) perks of having a significant other.

1) When there's a long line at Trader Joe's, your S.O. can wait online while you shop (and vice versa).

2) You have a good excuse to watch that chick flick/horror film you've been secretly dying to see.

3) If you share a pint of ice cream/entire pizza/order of Insomnia Cookies, you feel less guilty about calorie consumption because it's divided between two people. 

4) You can have free access (courtesy of your S.O.'s paid membership) to Netflix/Hulu/NYTimes accounts.  

5) It's fine to invite your S.O. to family dinners/holidays and use them as a buffer to ward off your crazy uncle.

Note: A BFF can easily be substituted for any (and all) of these points.

Stop and Instagram the Roses

Stop and Smell Instagram the Roses

Have you ever been walking down the sidewalk when a person in front of you comes to a sudden halt, raising an iPhone in the air?

These people are probably stopping to snap a picture of the skyline, the Empire State Building, or the tree-lined sidewalk. There's a good chance they're adding a filter to make the picture look even more magical. Or, most awkwardly (and most likely), they're Snap Chatting a picture of their face.

Sometimes, I worry that our generation has become used to seeing things through a camera lens, rather than with their own eyes.

Scenic overlooks must be photographed to inspire envy in your Instragram followers. Romantic moments need to be documented so that Facebook friends can comment on your perfect relationship. Sunrises/sunsets are obligated to be shared with the entirety of the internet, despite the breathtaking beauty that is only perceivable in person. (OK, I'm personally guilty of that last one).

Just try to keep in mind that besides being a sidewalk obstacle, frequent cell phone photography takes away from your ability to be in the present, enjoying things in real time...and not #latergram.

The Definiton of Adulthood

There are milestones in life that mark the transition from childhood into adolescence into adulthood. Beyond the obvious markers that including getting a driver's license and (legally) purchasing alcohol, I have found that there is one other significant milestone to which a specific age or law is not attached.

My first indication was when I was a 15-year-old camp counselor to a group of 4- and 5 year-old girls. Between piggyback rides and games of Red Rover, they would often ask me questions such as "Are you married?" and "Do you have any children?" These inquisitions clearly reflected how unaware they were that I was only 10 years their senior. To them, our age (and height) difference was so significant that I fell in the "adult" category.

I was reminded of this surprising classification the other day on the bus. Two little children were playfully fighting with one another, which reminded me of the relationship my brother and I still have. As I smiled at them, they froze and inched back towards safety (their mom). 

I realized then - for good, this time - that I was no longer seen by children as a fellow playmate. I am officially a "grown up," one whom should not be approached, as taught on afternoon specials. 

While this termination of childhood is a little melancholy, it is ultimately exciting that a whole new population of adults now sees me as their peer....and the whole purchasing alcohol legally thing isn't so bad, either.

Things That Exist But Shouldn't - Part 7

7) Unnecessary Rudeness

I've had a weekend to process this, but even writing about it now makes me angry.

Friday afternoon, I left work early to make it home in time to eat as much as possible before sundown. Rush hour starts on Fridays in NYC around 2 PM, so as I ran through the 50th St subway station at 3:30 PM to transfer to the E train, I was not alone in my sprint home. 

That is, until I met THE woman.

I reached the top of the escalator of a mile-long descent. I knew my best path was to speed down the escalator, allowing me to catch the train that I could already hear approaching the station.

I made it halfway down the escalator swiftly, easing my way past a flock of commuters all flanking courteously to the right side.

All of the sudden, I see a blockage in the way.
A woman is standing on the LEFT side of the escalator, with her suitcase in the middle. With people both in front of and behind her on the RIGHT, it is impossible to circumvent her.

A representative diagram:

_ _ x
_ _ x
_ _ x
_ _ x
XX_
_ _ x
_ _ x
ME

x = courteous commuter
X = woman + suitcase

Our interaction was as follows:

Me: Excuse me, would you mind moving over?
Woman: I have a suitcase!!
Me: I am trying to get by. Can you please move over?
Woman: Well, where do you want me to go?!
Me: To the right.

[[she struggles to move her carry on-sized suitcase over a few inches]]

Woman: You should have taken the stairs!
Me: (getting frustrated that this is taking so long) It's basic escalator etiquette to stand to the right.

Finally the obstacle is removed and I make my way past her. I get down 6 steps when I hear behind me a resounding...

FUCK YOU! 

I turn back and see this woman screaming expletives at me because I forced her to move over a few inches so that I could make it home in time to celebrate my holiday.

I was very close to shouting something equally explicit back at her, but then I remembered the spirit of the holiday that I was about to observe, and chose to ignore her. 

However, it did make me feel better that the rest of my descent was as follows:

_ _ x
_ _ x
_ _ x
_ _ x
_ _ x
_ _ x
_ _ x
_ _ x

And, I made my train in time. 

NYC's Best Dressed...for the weather

There's no denying the unique fashion sense inherent to New Yorkers. Sidewalks become runways as you pass by people outfitted designer ensembles, thrift store finds, or anything in between that somehow just works.

My roommate and I often joke that there is pressure to leave the house always looking "dressed." It is frowned upon by those who set the fashion rules to strut down 5th Avenue in pajamas if the person next to you is paying homage to at least three different designers.

I'm a fan of high fashion and couture (on other people, of course), but I believe that true fashion sense is being able to dress perfectly for the weather, even when it fluctuates as much as the mood swings of a middle-aged woman going through menopause. (Why else do you think it's called Mother Nature?!)

This past Monday, it dropped to the low 60s in the evening. On Tuesday and Wednesday, it was absurdly humid and in the 90s. Thursday was just as bad. Today it's supposed to be somewhere in the middle of these autumn extremes. I struggled to pick out the right outfit in the morning, traveling to work with both a tank top and a sweatshirt on hand, not knowing what the weather would be when I stepped out for lunch. 

However, each day, I have seen multiple people perfectly dressed for the fluctuations in weather, as though they are not an anomaly. On the cooler days, a lined jacket and knee-high boots. On the scorching days, short shorts or a flowing sundress. More often than not, I get caught in those clothes in the opposite conditions. Sweating/shivering promptly ensues.

The flawless transition that these few fashionistas manage to handle is truly impressive. My (weather-inappropriate) hat is off to you.

The Death of (Commuting) Chivalry

I realize many of my woes revolve around commuting, but then again, much of my day does, so it's only logical.

During many of my case study observations (read: time spent people-watching on the bus), I've noticed that certain courtesies, which are slowly declining in the regular population, are disappearing at an unnaturally rapid rate on public transit.

Bottom line:
Seats are valuable. 
They are filled on a first come, first served basis.
No mercy is given to anyone who might be in greater need of the seat than the person whose rear claimed it first.

There is no such thing as chivalry, or letting women fill seats before men.
There is no sign of courtesy for elderly passengers.
Parents with young children in tow are seen as an inconvenience, rather than an adorable family on an MTA adventure together.
(The one and ONLY exception I have seen is giving up a seat for pregnant women...but they usually are wise enough to avoid rush hour buses).

It's discouraging to witness. And yet, I totally understand it. I would much rather sit and run down my iPhone battery flipping through apps than use a sweaty pole to balance myself on every short stop the driver makes.

One of my favorite peripheral observations happens to be a scientific phenomenon: Hund's Rule.
Hund's Rule states that atoms will occupy every individual orbit available before pairing up.

I always remembered this rule by picturing a crowded NYC bus:
Each person will hungrily claim a seat in an empty row before sitting down next to someone. 

However, my MO is to fear the unknown. I would rather sit down next a tiny, quiet old lady than risk sitting in an orbital row that may very soon become occupied by a profusely sweating atom individual.



Addendum: I found this amazing piece of art after writing this post, but it could not exemplify it more perfect. Serious credit to Nathan Pyle

 

New Yorkers Love to Talk...Just Not to You

Long ago, people were perceived as crazy if they were spotted talking to themselves. We soon learned that most of these people were using "devices of the future," aka Bluetooth headsets, to communicate hands-free. This meant that the average person now had the ability to grocery shop while keeping up a conversation...or, more significantly, ignore all other people while in public to have a "private" conversation.

The other day, I estimated that 80% of the people I passed within a one-block walking distance were plugged into mobile devices by some connection, wireless or not.

It's a strange sensation to live in one of the most populated cities in the world, walk through a mass of people, and feel completely ignored. Headphones are the universal signal for "don't talk to me" and the follow up "I will intentionally ignore you if you try to do so."

The ironic part of the frequent public conversationalists (people who prefer to have conversations on the phone while in public, rather than interact with people that are physically present) is that they often forget that the physically present people can hear them too. There must be something triggered in the brain that once you isolate yourself audibly from your immediate environment, it is reciprocated.

I am not ashamed to say that I regularly take advantage of this oversight. It is amazing what people reveal when they perceive they're in private. I have heard personal details about sexual encounters, marital relationships, and embarrassing drunk moments. Come to think about it, hands-free headsets might have been the best possible gift to my life as a commuter. And I don't even use them.

The Business of Being Clean

New Yorkers love laundry. Or, rather, they hate it, and will pay top dollar to have other people take care of it for them.

Case in point:
-the frequency of dry cleaners (even exceeding the Starbucks per mile ratio)
-the advertisements at laundromats that they will do your laundry for you, charging by the pound
-the existence of vans canvassing the city that pick up and drop off your laundry at your doorstep

Laundry can be time-consuming, laborious, and, at times, stressful. Anyone who has ever had a dark color bleed all over your whites, or a fuzzy blanket explode with lint all over your jeans, knows how much of a hassle it can be.

However, with the exception of that rare silk/fine fabric/dry clean only clothing item in your closet, it really IS possible to do your own laundry, even when you have a busy schedule. I'm all for supporting local businesses, but I do think the average New Yorker's usage of external providers for laundry is excessive.

Here's my compromise: 

• Dry cleans the items that must be dry cleaned.   
• Set aside a few times a month (or less, depending on how many pairs of underwear you own), and do all of your laundry in one concerted effort.
• Expert Tip: Do your laundry at an off time, i.e. on a Saturday night or Tuesday morning. All of the machines will be available and you won't have to wait between cycles.
• Don't give your regular, run-of-the-mill laundry to other people to wash, especially your unmentionables. It means that other people will be touching them, and while your panties may be clean after laundering, the hands folding them may not be. Just think about it.

Things That Exist But Shouldn't - Part 6

6) Bad Poor Grammar

It truly is horrifying to consider the prevalence of incorrect grammar, spelling, and punctuation. Between publications, advertisements, and signs (the worst of the offenders), I struggle to understand why certain concepts evade the editors of these printed materials.


I could speak (or write) endlessly about this topic, but I have decided to isolate my complaints to three distinct subcategories:

• Spelling

Spelling mistakes are absolutely inexcusable, especially considering that Spellcheck, aka the tool that corrects all of these horrors, exists.

 I would like some potafinger salad too, please.

• The Oxford Comma

No offense to my mom (she still insists on omitting it), but I think the implementation of the Oxford comma (aka the serial or Harvard comma) should be universal. There are countless  examples as to why it is imperative to the meaning of the sentence to use the comma. Although my favorite news source The New York Times (and all other syndicated newspapers) blatantly exclude it, I believe it has a VERY important purpose, as seen below.

• Quotation Marks

Some time between first grade and adulthood, the purpose of quotation marks was completely reinterpreted. Instead of signifying a direct quote or very obvious sarcasm, quotation marks are now very widely used to signify something special...or, more accurately, "special."

Quotable

This is kind of an easy-way-out post, but it's the holiday so I got a little lazy!

I've collected a few of my favorite quotes that I've seen on T-shirts, in bars, or tattooed onto people's bodies. Interpret them as you wish.


Guy's shirt in Starbucks, Murray Hill
"Pain is just weakness leaving your body"

From a friend
"You can't conquer what you don't confront"

Theodor Herzl
"If you will it, it is not a dream" 

Lastly, my personal favorite:

Sophie's Bar, LES
"We're all here because we're not all there."

New Year Resolutions

L'Shanah Tovah to all observing! (and to the rest of you who are enjoying the sale prices on honey)

Jews are pretty lucky, because we get TWO chances to make resolutions (aka redo our failed ones from 9 months ago). Although one holiday has significantly less ball dropping, there is still a good amount of alcohol and waiting around involved in both. For the secular new year, the waiting revolves around the clock striking midnight. For the Jewish new year, it's the shofar. Similar enough.

My resolutions:

I will try my best to pay attention for at least 60% of the service.
I promise to only leave the sanctuary when I actually have to go to the bathroom, and not because the old lady's perfume is suffocating me.
I resolve to eat as much challah as possible before dinner time.

Happy New Year everyone, from the Fairway employees who think that all Jewish holidays involve matzah:

Exercise Etiquette

New Yorkers are really into working out. It's impossible to walk a few blocks without a jogger nearly running you down (or a Seamless delivery guy on a bike, but that's for another purpose). 

My building has a small exercise room on the top floor that's sufficient for my workout needs, especially since I seem to use it on off times of the day.

Most people are pretty respectful of fellow exercisers, but I feel like there should be a few addendums to the existing rules.

-Wipe down equipment after use. If you sweat profusely while exercising, sanitize it THOROUGHLY.

-Ask people to use/share equipment prior to doing so. Don't steal people's equipment, especially when it's CLEARLY positioned to be used by them.
 True story: I placed a kickboard on the edge of the pool next to my water bottle, to be used after I finished a warm-up lap. A woman came in to the pool are, took the kickboard, and placed it next to HER water bottle.

-Limit your time on machines when other people are waiting. Don't hog machines, especially when you are using them incorrectly. Don't sit on a bench press and stretch your arms. 

-Don't splash in the pool. Don't kick your legs like a 5-year-old kid learning to swim, especially when you are above 60 and capable of dislodging multiple gallons of water with each kick. 
 

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Federal holidays serve as a great case study of what America is all about. Between the businesses that are actually open, the people you see walking around, and the activities going on in the city, there's a whole lot to take in.

Here's what I learned on this past Labor Day:
-everyone leaves grocery shopping to days off from work, and thus the lines at Fairway are ridiculously long
-it is impossible to find a liquor store that's open (so I had to get creative with the gift I brought to a Labor Day party, and ended up re-gifting a bouquet of flowers from my living room table)
-the weather can put a damper on the day's mood...especially when the weather itself is damp
-the whole "No White After Labor Day" fashion rule provides an excellent excuse to put on your strangest, see-through outfit and not get mocked for it
-alcohol is the best way to ring in any national holiday, regardless of the holiday's purpose. A day without work = a day to drink excessively the day before work